“Let the past die… Kill it if you have to…” words from the cinema. Words from a movie. True words they are still. The past is the torrent of the present moment.
When I started on this path, I knew there would be changes. The first of the changes was the removal of past religion. The second was in having to tell my mother, she needs monitored care that we can’t provide. The third was in the severing of past friendships that were pulling me downward.
How do you think I feel in these prospects? I feel so completely and utterly alone. No friends. No family. Alone. There are still friends and there is still family, but they are dwindling. Refocusing is the word of the moment.
As the lens of my life has refocused, it has dropped others out of a previous scope of vision.
I’ve talked about the desecration of the old religion (christianity) and taking back all the energy I’ve given it. Now let’s address my mother.
My mother is a challenging situation. She has been difficult and prone to racist outbursts targeting my wife and her family – or others that live in town. She is cruel and she is mean. She has mocked my son and has hurled insults to my face. But this is not why a change is needed.
Today, she left the house unlocked as she left to get her hair done. A simple enough mistake – only it wasn’t a mistake. She told me that she chose to not wait for us to schedule a time to help her to her appointment. Instead, she decided (fully aware of her decision) to leave the door to the house unlocked. She did this so she could return and get back in easily.
When I asked her if she realized the danger it put my wife (who was in the shower) and our small children. She affirmed that with a confident yes. She said she knew it was very possible that a criminal or stranger could walk right into the house… (her words) but she had a hair appointment. It would be laughable if it wasn’t my reality.
Her dementia is worsening and I’ve decided this was a line in the sand that I can’t cross… this is the safety of others that she is willing to flagrantly put at risk for something as inconsequential as her hair.
Although I dislike her vile traits, she is my mother… and I do love her. This is another decision coming on the heels of the Working. This is very painful.
Letting Go of Old Relationships
The third change was in a lifelong friend. He has been a thorn in my side most of our friendship. Being a friend one day, and a great antagonist the next. I’ve found him to go through a cycle that works like so:
He’s a good guy -> He starts mocking my life -> when confronted he gets defensive and tells me i’m taking it too personal -> when I get more angry, he apologizes and I let him back in -> He’s a good guy… and it loops all over again.
This pattern has gone on for years. Some of our mutual friends have disconnected from him. Today, I did it. It’s very hard for me to not return back and reach out to rebuild the broken friendship.
I’m struggling with this decision right now and I don’t know if I can maintain a complete disconnect, or if it’s needed. The main problem with this lifelong friendship is that while he can be a great friend, he tends to mock important things in my life… he mocks the spiritual. He has mocked my art. He mocks the pearls of wisdom. He laughs at my problems and defends positions I’m against just to get a rise out of me.
In seeking my weakness, he finds the soft points of my psyche to exploit, in order to make a reaction. Then laugh at me in my reaction. It is as though I’m simply an object of mockery.
While he isn’t like this all the time (more like 20% of the time), I grew to no longer confide in him. I abstain from sharing the deep things from him, as he’ll mock it, and just talk about friends/family… and now even there, he will defend something (like my mother) in a way to simply antagonize me.
Today I told him he should really look into rethinking who he is, as a person. When he’s not this way, we are very similar… we tend to see life in many of the same ways. This friendship covers so much of my life. This sacrifice is very hard.